navigating

life's a journey.
stop and navigate for a while to see where you are,
before you got lost too far.

tonight, I want to give thanks (with a grateful heaaart) for who I am, for who I'm not, for what makes me who I am, for what makes me who I'm not.

I am a girl, God thanks for that!
I'm a daughter in a happy little family, which, no matter how old I am as a person I'm always their little girl and I'm grateful for that!
I am not a smoker or drug user nor dealer thanks for that!
I am a student majoring in Psychology, even though it sucks sometimes but knowing everything could've been worse, thanks for that too.
I am a commuter, which kills my sanity sometimes but being alive and well until now, why should I complain?
I am not Bry's girlfriend anymore and it leaves a big hole somewhere inside but thanks God even just for the opportunity to ever have one of the finest and kind-est guy ever!
I am not the republic's president (?!), instead I am a carefree college student with plenty of time to play, to sleep, to sit and do nothing, thanks God for that!
I am not a cockroach, I don't live in a nasty kitchen thanks for that.
I am not an intellect with a hollistic and coherent path of thinking, which slowly interfering with my academical effort to look smart, lol to that, but anyways thanks for that, too! Life's good with that.
At last, I am twenty, which sucks as hell yeaaahhh and I'm still thinking of ways to find something to give thanks out of that.
But thanks God I'm still given the chance for that.

Okay my post is incoherent (again) but at least that is consistent with my viewbof self.
Ciao!

hours to existence

counting down to one's birthday is a sign of ineffectiveness as a person.
yet I'm doing it right now, what am I doing with my life staying up?
normally I spend the celebration of the first hours of my existence asleep.
carefree, or should I say careless. whatever.
I should've been reflecting, writing, meditating, navigating, blah blah blah but most of all I need to be myself more and more intact each and every day so ----

zZzzZZzZzZZZzz

will write something more meaningful tomorrow, lol. let's see.

thanks head, says heart.

"Sometimes we're wrong about what we thought we wanted.
Hurtfully, after some amount of time you realized,
something you won't even notice if you haven't tried."
- me on romantic relationship, though it may apply to work, etc.

Keeps my sanity sometimes to listen my head said over and over again this phrases to my miserable heart.
That's the best that hearts can do, you know, follow themselves to anywhere they want, and when reality proves them wrong, they run to heads. To logic. To justification.
And this is the best my head can do to safe this pitiful little compartement somewhere inside my chest.

call me foolish: just got to write

They said,
"wise men speak because they have something to speak, foolish men speak because they have to speak something"


by that means, it's safe to call me foolish because I just have to write something.
I practically have pretty much nothing to say (or, to write)

it's just an extremely boring class, and if there's something amusing enough to make the rest of the day far from a prolonged boredom the class may caused, it's got to be writing. at least for me.

well is it safe to call myself a writer?

far to that I am.

I just like to write.

Heaven knows how much I'd like to be a writer, having me name on top of the title,

one whole page full of testimonies from sophisticated first readers, and all those literature stuffs,

I aim for that since my elementary school days and still didn't make it to half of my first book.

Whoa.

Believe me, I keep punishing myself in my mind for that.

There's no writer without discipline and determination. There's no Ronald Weasley as we know now without discipline and determination. There's no (name your favorite fictional character) without discipline and determination. haha

so that's me and my fondness of the beauty of words,

just a determination away from being a writer.

head fights

"I don't love you and it's as true as reality."
..you wish.

"Not hard for me to live a fiction."
..you assume.

"A good liar knows how to believe in her own lies."
..you're not a good liar

"I don't care"
..you son of a bitch.

dear blog

dear blog (some kind of modern version of dear diary, I suppose)

How have you been?
Do you feel lonely without my babbling?
Are you okay with the idea that I finally have a life again in my reality realms
so I might have to abandon you -again?
Yes, I found life in the hectic-ness of college, in the tiring-ness of commuting over city and province every working day.
No, I don't feel okay to have to left you and other things that matters out.
Okay, I don't have to.
I just couldn't stand having such multiple roles that aren't connected to each other enough.
I was overwhelmed.
I couldn't make the time for every thing.
Most of all matters, I didn't feel like I have to.
Promise you (and every other little things) that I wouldn't let myself get swallowed again that easily.
I kinda know better now. That bigger things don't always mean they matter the most.
Sometimes it's the tiniest things that makes you smile from your heart.
And those little things matters.

galau: sebuah etimology ngawur

meninjau iklan sebuah operator selular (ga pernah nonton tipi sih, cuma liat di billboard),
bertajuk besar "ANTIGALAU 30 JAM", dengan penawaran iming-iming biaya nelpon dan sms murah.
hello.
generalisasi makna Bahasa Indonesia tercinta ini sudah berada di ambang batas mengkhawatirkan.
sejak kapan galau itu adalah gak punya pulsa untuk nelpon pacar?
sejak kapan galau itu adalah kekurangan beberapa rupiah untuk tarif ng-sms temen?

GALAU adalah di saat lu gak punya siapa-siapa untuk ditelpon, sampai2 pulsa memblendung, beli pulsa cuman buat perpanjang masa aktip
GALAU adalah di saat lu gak tau siapa yang harus di sms, meski di benak lu ada beribu kata, beratus frasa berpuluh paragraf berjuta-juta karakter yang dengan lancarnya bisa saja diverbalisasikan, hanya lu gak tau akan ditujukan buat siapa.

dan bukan itu aja kejahatan kita terhadap kata yang manis ini.
banyak lagi yang nulisnya aja males.

dan demikianlah gw menulis post ini, bahkan tanpa dibaca ulang untuk meyakinkan diri sendiri ini layak dibaca orang. bodo amatlah. penggunaan kata GALAU mulai mengusik gw.
itu kata yang indah, lagi sebenernya.
sendu, menggambarkan keterombang-ambingan state of mind seseorang namun bagaimanapun sarat makna ketenangan, tidak neurotik maupun impulsif; buat gw itulah galau.
hello world, GALAU is a state of mind.
GALAU is nothing any of your shallow stunning behavior could contemplate.
GALAU 'dicapai' ketika kekacauan yang ada pikiran lo hanya bisa stay disana karna rasanya nggak mungkin lagi dikeluarkan dengan cara apapun. thus, it's not impulsive, at all.
ya mohon maap sih kalo gw sewot berlebihan, gitu. sensitip aja kalo ada yang menodai warisan bangsa (tolong diterjemahkan sebagai national heritage ato ga legacy). apalagi linguistiknya.

satu kata yang mungkin bisa menggantikan kata GALAU kalau lain kali mau mendefinisikan keamburadulan hidup lo: mungkin lo hanya mengalami sedikit RETARDASI MENTAL.